The Mad Titan FANOS.

FANOS is a great framework for intimate conversations. Especially between spouses, accountability partners and sponsors and even prayers and meditations. I wish I would have learned this acronym years ago.
What are you FEELING? 
Express AFFIRMATIONS/APPRECIATION.
What do you NEED?
Take OWNERSHIP. 
Are you SOBER?

Detailed definition: 

  • Feelings: Share with your partner a feeling you experienced today.

  • Affirmations/Appreciations : Affirm your partner for who he/she is and tell him/her something you appreciate that he/she has done today. This is “you are _____” and “I appreciated it when you _____.”

  • Needs: State a need you currently have (not necessarily one that must be met by your partner). This could be a need you just recognized or one you have mentioned before that still has not been met. Don’t skip this one. Sometimes you may have to think for a minute before you can think of what you need you can share.

  • Ownership: Take responsibility and apologize for something you have said or done or celebrate something you've taken ownership of. 

  • Struggles/Sobriety: Agree together beforehand on what struggle/sobriety topic each person will discuss. It can be any number of things. Some examples are your sobriety date, recovery work, your diet, exercise, raging, perfectionism, criticizing, compulsively checking up on your partner, or secretly snooping. If you are an addict, you need to be focusing on sobriety and recovery work. Be specific but not graphic. 

When you listen to FANOS, your role is not to give feedback or fix. Your role is simply to listen and be present. This is an important opportunity to share safety and love. 

REMEMBER, this is NOT a time to give feedback, criticize, correct, or shame one another. Simply listen to each other and know that the goal of this exercise is to build intimacy and restore trust.

Here's a link that talks more in depth about it: https://hopehousehealing.com/learn/fanos

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